How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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