Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
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you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
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Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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