I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
