I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
