I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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