I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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