I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
