I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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