Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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