I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
