when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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