Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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