I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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