i permit you to call me
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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