he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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