she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
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Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
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I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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