I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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