I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
be right there i have to get my cape
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i think we sleep fucked last night...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
