he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
