I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
