Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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