Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
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i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
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Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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