I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
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Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
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I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
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