I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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