I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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