yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
