it wasn't lemon gatorade
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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