here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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