So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
