That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
