Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You smell like stripper and shame
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
