I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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