Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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