yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
