i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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