Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
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I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
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Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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