Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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