he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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