You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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