And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
