So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
