Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
