If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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