i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
