I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
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My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
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No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Never joke about your clitoris.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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