My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
