The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
