you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
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At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
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I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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