I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
