she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
