He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
