I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
