just tell him i said nine months
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
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Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
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Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding