i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to