he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
