here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
