I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
The Olympian is in my bed
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
