I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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