Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
