So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
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Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
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I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
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